8 Magic Words to Change Negative into Positive Self-Talk

One of the simplest ways to start making the most of the YOU in the Be Your Own Best Coach Behavior Design Model is to manage the way you talk to yourself about yourself.

Talking to yourself about yourself is what’s called self-talk.

Self-talk is the voice you hear inside your head that speaks to you when you're awake. Self-talk covers all the bases: from how good or bad you’ve been, how well or poorly you're doing now, to how things are going to be for you in the future.

Self-talk happens automatically and continuously. It affects what you think, feel, and believe about yourself and things that happen to you--past, present, and future.

Self-talk can be positive or negative. It can either help you get along with life, seize opportunity, take smart risks, explore possibilities, and even dream big.

Or, it can keep you stuck in a rut, make you doubt your every move, question the positive things people say to you or do for you, and prevent you from living the life you want.

Self-talk is on all the time: As long as you’re awake, that little voice inside your head is going.

Whether it’s just opening your eyes in the morning, going off to work, interacting with your boss and colleagues, working on projects large or small, taking breaks, or thinking about the next day, your inner chatter is going.

Whether it’s greeting the people you live with when you first see them, sharing a meal, going on an errand or planned trip, giving a kiss goodnight, or just hanging out, your inner chatter is going.

It is this inner chatter--your inner voice--that in many ways, shapes your reality.

This isn’t a new concept: From time immemorial and in all traditions, people have understood the power of this inner voice to define how people see themselves and the world around them.

Moreover, cultural and religious traditions that evolved thousands of years ago and are still alive today acknowledge the inner workings of our minds. In fact, part of many different traditions involves practices to harness those inner workings to help us live a good life, a life of purpose and meaning.

Self-Talk Makes a Difference--a Big One

Whether your goals are to boost your career, improve your wellbeing, enjoy better relationships, create new habits or crush bad ones, or even deepen your spiritual life, getting a handle on your self-talk is crucial.

Remember we said that self-talk can be positive or negative?

What exactly does that mean?

Let’s look at positive self-talk first. Positive self-talk is encouraging and makes you feel good. It helps you do well. It gives you hope and confidence about the future.

We’re not talking about delusional thinking or grandiosity.

We’re talking about taking a hard and detailed look at the many strengths, skills, and resources that you already possess and that have helped you get to where you are now.

On the flip side, negative self-talk can make you feel bad. Negative self-talk is critical and judgmental. It also can be mean and harsh.

When your inner voice is negative, you may not do as well as you can because negative self-talk is discouraging, lowers your confidence, and reduces hope. Negative self-talk can hold you back from trying new things, discourage you from working as hard as you need to succeed, and increase your stress.

Here’s the thing: Judging ourselves harshly, being critical, and putting ourselves down is super common, and everybody does it . . . at least sometimes.

So what can you do?

Negative self-talk is expressed in many different ways and often reflects a cognitive distortion.

Cognitive distortions are habitual ways of thinking that are often inaccurate and negatively biased.

One of the most common kinds of cognitive distortion is called cognitive all-or-nothing thinking. This is thinking in extremes: all black or all white, all good or all bad. People are either saints or sinners, you have a job that totally sucks the blood out of you or is perfect, your children behave either like angels or devils, you have the skills of a world champion or you are a total loser.

You get the idea.

In all-or-nothing thinking, there is no in-bewteen, no gray.

You can guess that this kind of distortion--the all-or-nothing thinking is a bad trap. It’s unrealistic and unhelpful because life is very rarely only one way or another. It almost always falls within a much fuller, richer spectrum.

With all-or-nothing thinking, you’re likely to use words such as:

Always
Never
Perfect
Impossible

Here’s how they sound:

"I didn't pass the certification exam the first time. Now I’ll never become a . . ."

"I know I need to quit drinking, but I always end up starting again.”

“It’s impossible for me to meet deadlines. I’m terrible at managing my time.”

Self-Talk Is Something You Can Control

The good news is that self-talk is something you have the power to control. There is an antidote to all-or-nothing thinking!

That antidote is transforming your self-talk from negative to positive.

But, does it really work? And how much can it really help?

Self-talk is a key component of positive thinking, which researchers have shown is associated with many different benefits, including:

Increased life span
Lower rates of depression
Lower levels of distress
Greater resistance to the common cold
Better psychological and physical well-being
Better cardiovascular health and reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

Science has yet to identify exactly why people who use positive self-talk and positive thinking do so much better than people who remain locked in the “blame and shame” kind of thinking reflected by negative self-talk.

One theory is that positive self-talk helps you cope better with stressful situations, which not only reduces the harmful effects of stress on your body but also makes you more open to exploring multiple options and possibilities.

Who doesn’t want to cope better with stress?

Use the 8 Magic Words to Change Negative into Positive Self-Talk

So how do you learn to use positive self-talk?

The answer is that it can be done . . . and like anything else worth doing, it takes practice.

That’s because negative self-talk is a habitual way of thinking. We do it automatically.

But developing the self-talk skill and turning it into a habit is critical because when you believe in yourself and your ability to achieve goals that are important to you, you have a lot better chance of actually reaching those goals.

How do you change negative into positive self-talk?

One way to combat the “always, never, perfect, and impossible” negative self-talk is to substitute them by using eight specific words. We call them the eight magic words:

Right now
So far
Not yet
At least

How do these eight magic words work in real life?

“I didn’t pass the certification exam, but at least l tried this first time.” (IMPLIED: I’ll study more and pass the next time.”)

“I know I need to quit drinking, but so far, I’ve ended up starting again.” (IMPLIED: Things can change in the future.”)

“It’s impossible for me to meet deadlines right now. I haven’t figured out a way yet to manage my time.” (IMPLIED: This is not a “forever” situation. I can figure out a way.)

5 Steps to Transform Self-Talk from Negative to Positive

Here’s a 4-step method to succeed at the change game with self-talk:

Listen
Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Is your self-talk positive or negative? Write down your thoughts to help you recognize your own version of negative and positive self-talk.
Stop
Tell yourself to pause if the self-talk is negative. Take the time to reflect on what your inner voice is saying.
Challenge
Challenge your negative self-talk by labeling it. Are you using all-or-nothing thinking?
Change
Change your self-talk from negative to positive by making a list of positive things about yourself. Then, ask yourself, "What can do that will help me accomplish this?"
Consider
You can start by following one simple rule: Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to others:

Be gentle and encouraging with yourself
If you have a negative thought, evaluate it rationally and respond with positive thoughts
Think about things you've accomplished, the strengths and skills you have, and the support you have from other people

Take Action Now

Self-talk isn’t a one-and-done kind of change. It’s something that gets better with practice.

So, start by choosing just two of the 8 Magic Words to experiment with this coming week. Follow these easy steps to transform your self-talk from negative to positive:

Right now, pay attention to your self-talk and the messages you’re giving yourself.
On Monday, start the week off right by writing down the 2 words you want to practice using during the week.
Whenever you hear yourself put yourself down, criticize yourself, or beat yourself up: LISTEN, STOP, CHALLENGE, and then CHANGE by using the 2 words you’ve chosen to transform your thinking.

Let us know in the comments below what you did that told you that you were on the path to transformation . . .

If you're just joining and missed the series of posts featuring the Be Your Own Best Coach revolutionary Behavior Design Model (formerly known as Y-PET) on the Art & Science of Lasting Change, catch up on previous posts below.

Y-PET stands for You, People, Environment, and Things. It’s a framework for change that gives you a systematic and deliberate way to manage the many factors that can either put you into the winner’s circle of positive change or leave you at the back of the pack.