A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say at their funeral after they die.
The priest says, "I would like someone to say, 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.''"
The minister follows with, "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.''"
Finally, the rabbi says, "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving!'""
Funny, right?
One thing for certain: People often have a lot of trouble addressing the fundamental existential questions of:
What happens when I die?
Why do I have to die (now)?
Will I see my loved ones again?
Who am I?
What does my life really mean?
Have I made a difference?
So how does the difficulty people have addressing serious questions of existence relate to the priest-minister-rabbi joke?
Of all the traits and skills that define resilience, a sense of humor may be one you'd least expect. Usually when asked to define resilience, people answer with words such as persistence, grit, self-awareness, open-mindedness, optimism, confidence, adaptability, setting concrete goals, etc.
Those all count, of course.
But what researchers have found across vastly different populations and settings is that what ranks high on the list of traits that enables people to endure even the most unimaginable horrors and pain is humor.
Why?
Because humor serves as both a defense mechanism and a way of coping with adversity. Gallows humor, the kind of humor that treats serious, frightening, or painful topics in a light or satirical way, provides an emotional buffer, evokes positive emotions, and gives people a sense of control even in catastrophic, terrifying, or even life-threatening situations.
Just consider this joke:
A group of Jewish women rounded up by the Nazis and sent to a concentration camp were first subjected to the humiliation of having all their hair shorn off. All the women were all crying, except one who said to the others, "These Germans aren't so bad after all: Back in Warsaw, I used to have to pay a lot of money to have my hair cut. Here they do it for free!"
Conrad Hyers, an American historian and ordained minister who wrote multiple books on humor in religion, asserted that comedy expresses a “stubborn refusal to give tragedy . . . the final say."
In today's world, one person more than anyone else exemplifies how humor has contributed to his resilience in the face of profound suffering.
Michael J. Fox, Hollywood star and winner of multiple awards (Oscar, Golden Globe, Emmy, Grammy, and Screen Actors awards) was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease over thirty years ago. Usually a disease that is diagnosed after age 60, Fox was just 29.
Michael J Fox speaking at Lotusphere in 2012 (photo by Paul Hudson)
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“It was incomprehensible. . . I was so scared . . . Someone is saying your life is going to be completely changed. Yeah? When?”
Initially, and for several years after his diagnosis, Fox remained as active as usual. Behind the scenes, however, he sought to escape by drinking. It became an unsustainable way of coping, so eventually he got sober and has stayed sober for decades
"It wasn’t until 1994 that I started getting it. That’s when I started to accept the disease [Parkinson's]—and acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding and dealing straightforwardly.”
One reason so many people suffer even when their problems aren't as serious as Fox's is that they don't know how to work with the difficult thoughts and feelings that come up.
How does Fox do it?
Humor has played a big role in his ability to adapt and manage even in the face of a disease that has no cure and ends with premature death.
"[With] everything — everything–I confront and confronts me, I always say, what's funny about this? Like, what's something funny about it? As horrible as it is, time plus tragedy equals comedy. That's why it works."
The question, “What’s funny about this?” reflects a hallmark of the psychological flexibility underpinning resilience. It’s the ability to see yourself and your situation from multiple perspectives, even the humor in the tragic.
When asked why and how he avoids dwelling on all the pain, falling, breaking bones, and difficulties he's had to face, he says, "I don't see the point [of dwelling on it]. I'm through all that. Whenever I'm in a moment where I'm feeling good, I just want to run with it. I just want to go with it and feel good and enjoy myself . . . if you find yourself obsessing over the worst-case scenario and it actually happens, you have lived it twice.
Here is another element of psychological flexibility in action: The ability to be fully in the present moment, not obsessed with the past or worrying about the future, but taking committed action to do what counts for you. For Fox, that means feeling good, enjoying himself, and continuing to exploit the power of humor.
Fox isn't the only one to use humor in a context that seems bleak and hopeless.
Humor also plays a big role in helping physicians and nurses deal with the pressure and stress of patient care, including working with dying patients. In fact, humor is reported as one of eight key coping mechanisms because it provides an outlet for painful emotions, reduces emotional exhaustion and depersonalization, and increases group cohesion. It can even boost job performance and satisfaction.
Humor is so fundamental to healthy functioning and human connection that researchers have found that a child with a well-developed sense of humor–which begins as early as 4 months of age–becomes "a joy tracker or humor spotter in everyday life . . . a point of view that will be carried into adulthood.” This early development of a sense of humor is part of a repertoire of important coping skills in adulthood.
Developing and reinforcing the joy tracker and human spotter in yourself can help you do your best no matter what.
So what can you do to increase opportunities for humor and the benefits it offers?
Most importantly, don’t leave humor to chance. Make it a regular part of your life.
Here are six things you can do:
Watch or listen to something that makes you laugh. Do this anytime, anywhere, even when exercising!
Spend more time around funny people.
Don’t let others define what’s humorous. Find your own style.
Read funny stuff–books, cartoons, or even what turns up in a Google search for “riddles, “jokes,” or “funny stories.”
Play! Playfulness, considered the basis of humor, also contributes to innovativeness and creativity. Play with yourself, others, or a pet.
Embrace your inner child. Being silly and playful doesn’t make you childish. It can, however, put you in touch with the childlike joy, unrestricted by worry, judgment, or pressure to act a certain way.
Just one word about play, which is reflected in Michael J. Fox’s life and work: Not all humor results in laughter. In fact, playful behaviors that include humor, day‐dreaming, fantasy, and make‐believe can all help increase a positive mood which reflects the psychological flexibility and supports resilience.
A sense of humor, like psychological flexibility, is established early in life, but it isn’t fixed, so anyone can boost their resilience, and everyone would be well served to try.
As a first step, take this psychological flexibility self-assessment to see where you’re at.
We’ll bet that you’ll discover new aspects of your own resilience arsenal . . . and opportunities to increase it.