Resilience Part I: I have, I am, I can

Join Deborah Teplow and Glen Lubbert for short conversations on how to shift your mindset, change your behavior to live happier, healthier, and do more stuff you care about.

Resilience is the topic we’ll be tackling in this episode.

As we close out on what has been a horrific year, resilience is emerging as one of the most critical factors that will help people recover.

Resilience is key for everyone because everyone has been touched by the virus and its impact: No one has gone unscathed or unaffected…. Which is why resilience is so important.

So what is resilience? Why is it important? How does it apply to your life . . .

. . .  and how can boosting your own resilience help you.

We’ll focus on these questions in this podcast.

This will also set the stage for our next podcast in which we review a powerful 4-step process for building personal resilience based on what we call the “lather-rinse-and-repeat” principle.

Make sure to join us.

For this first podcast on resilience we discuss I have (external resources), I am (internal resources), I can (capacity to act). Listen below or on Soundcloud.

Now listen to the second part of our two-part series on resilience: Your Personal Model of Resilience.

Sign up for our Free Kickstart Program: A Science Backed Approach to Success >>

AND check out our Be Your Own Best Coach 5-week group coaching program: go.beyourownbestcoach.com/conversations

Transcript

GLEN: Hi, and welcome to Be Your Own Best Coach conversations, where you can learn to shift your mindset, change your behavior, and do more stuff you care about. I'm Glen Lubbert, one of the co-founders of Be Your Own Best Coach, a five week group coaching program. Once again, I'm here with my colleague and fellow co-founder Dr. Deborah Teplow. Hi, Deborah.

DEBORAH: Hello, hello.

GLEN: So today I want to talk about resilience. That's emerging as a huge topic, as we begin to see a possible light at the end of the tunnel on what has been a horrific 2020 in so many ways for so many people, everyone has been touched by the virus and its impact. No one has gone unscathed or unaffected, which is why resilience is so important.

So I want to talk about, what is resilience? Why is it important? How does it apply to your life and what might you do about it? We'll focus on those questions in this podcast. This will also set the stage for our next podcast, in which we review a powerful four step process for building personal resilience based on what we call the lather, rinse, and repeat principle.

So make sure to join us. But for right now, let's begin by setting the stage for this episode, with this quote. We don't know who said it originally, but we sure appreciate its meaning. "A diamond is just a piece of charcoal. They handle stress exceptionally well." So let me ask again, what is resilience? Why is it important? How does it apply to your life, and what might you do about it? 

DEBORAH: Well, Glenn, thanks for that introduction. And I really do love that idea that a diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handles stress exceptionally well. And that just reinforces and underscores why resilience is so important. And so let's answer that question.

What is resilience? Well we started with a quote and let's continue a little bit. So Nelson Mandela said, "the greatest glory of living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall ."Darwin, "it's not the strongest of the species that survive nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change."

And then in it, she says, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. So of course that suggests that it's the event or it's an event or a challenge that strengthens the individual. And it's actually not , I want to just point out that it's not actually the event, but it's our response to the event and it's the way that we mount the challenge that makes the difference. So, now that we've had the quotes and romance, that the, the idea a little bit let's look at what is resilience, and define it.

So it's the ability to overcome challenges and bounce back. It's the capacity to persevere, which means stick with it. And it's a skill of being able to reduce to a minimum the impact from the damages of adversity and being able to also prevent or minimize the challenges. So it's not only, you know, the adversity, but when we come up against a challenge before there's even damage from adversity, how do we reduce that or prevent it?

So when we look at what resilience is and what constitutes resilience, there are multiple domains. One is the personal, it's our personal coping skills, it's our values. It's even having a sense of humor, it's our mindset. And then there's the interpersonal, it's social support. It's do we have people we can turn to for help? And then it's finally, bigger social aspects of leadership. Is there opportunities for growing? And when we talk about resilience and organizations, it's learning from mistakes. So , one thing that is important to realize is that resilience isn't a stable trait. It isn't something you just get like a bicycle for Christmas, right?

It's a dynamic state and it can change between situations and over the life span. And so that's why it's really important to be very mindful about how things are going and to be very , you know, do our self-assessment and Glen, I know you do multiple assessments just checking in, taking your temperature with how you're doing and that's really important.

GLEN: Yeah, definitely every day. And I check in and so what I'm hearing though, is that you could have resilience in one area and be really good at it in one area and maybe less good in another area. 

DEBORAH: Absolutely. That's right. It doesn't, it isn't, it's not like, you know, in the water you drink it, it goes all over.

That being said, you can have resilience in one area and it can inform your thinking,  your believing and your doing in another area. So you have within you when you have resilience, you have the capacity to grow and, and we do need to keep nurturing that quality of resilience. And I wanted to, you know, we talked about what it is and I'm going to summarize the definition, you know, it could be adapting under pressure, thriving despite of challenges, resilience is even maintaining, establishing or maintaining good relationships in a challenging situation.

But I'd like to go back and just look at the origin of the word, it's from the Latin verb, Salire, which means to jump, and resilience means to jump back again, so we think of that. There's, there's quite a lot of action in there and energy jumping back, bouncing back is a really good way to think about it, especially because it embodies that sense of energy. 

So, to just summarize right now: so resilience is a, it's mainly a psychological strength. It helps us adapt and grow from challenges. It isn't fixed, we need to keep nurturing it. It can be developed and enhanced at the personal level, at our team level, even on our wider social level and organizations . There are practical strategies that can be helpful and we are going to look at some of them. So one thing to ask is, well why is resilience so important? And we know from medical literature and neurobiology that stress, and the interaction between stress and mental and physical health is very complex, and that our reaction to stress can have a deleterious effect on our mental health, our physical health.

So for instance, people who are chronically stressed, including people who have suffered trauma, chronic trauma from abuse, neglect, or other kinds of trauma.

GLEN: We have a virus that's all around us. 

DEBORAH: Exactly exactly. Have a higher incidents of chronic conditions like heart disease, different digestive system problems.

And you know, it's auto-immune response can be triggered by ongoing stress. And interestingly , Robert Sapolsky wrote a book,  Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. And it's because zebras don't respond to their thoughts. They don't hang on to their thoughts about, you know, lion's going to eat them up.

They respond at the moment, at the present time and we, of course not only respond at the present time, but we carry that stress response onward in our lives, even when it's not present. So there are things that we need to do both on the thinking level and on the action level. And so just to summarize, you know, and go back about, well, why is it important?

Because we, you mentioned trauma, including this pandemic, bad stuff happens. All of us will be subject to difficult challenges. It could be minor obstacles during the day, it could be big adversity. And if we want to live as healthy as we can, as happy as we can, and have the greatest opportunities for living with meaning and purpose, then we need to be able to face and overcome these obstacles in a way that puts us in the best possible space.

So resilience is that ability to overcome those challenges and triumph. [00:09:00] So now the question comes, how do we build resiliency? Well, first of all, it can be innate. It can be inside of us and it can also be taught and promoted. So we want to share with you a little saying that is ,"I have, I am, and I can."

Those three ideas "I have, I am, and I can" really are the seeds for thinking about what you can do to build your own resiliency. And so "I have" is focusing on the external supports and resources in your life, because when you have external resources and support, that feeds your internal development of resilience.

And sometimes, you know, we may need, we need that support. We are social animals. So the, "I have" means that I have externally what nourishes me, gives me hope and confidence in the future, and my capacity to take action, to make sure that the future is as promising as it can be. So the "I have" is, I have people in my life I can trust. I have people who model for me healthy ways to go about living. I have people who will assist me and help me if, you know, if I get into trouble, if I'm sick, if I need help . I have people who help me help myself, and I have people who will lead me and guide me by their positive examples. So that's the "I have."

GLEN: So for "I have" you are faced with a challenge. This is something that you could take inventory of and understand what you do have. And also , I hear that this is something that you should, that you should nurture at all times so you do have it when a challenge occurs. 

DEBORAH: Absolutely. That's right. And thank you for suggesting the homework. Yeah. So obviously take your inventory. Absolutely. What are those haves? Those are external. It could be , I mentioned mostly people, but it certainly could be external things, things, you know, a picture of something beautiful in nature that gives you the sense, I can do it, I'm calm, I have, you know, I'm in the present. I have my wits about me, et cetera. It could be a picture of someone, a loved one, that instills that sense of hope and confidence in you. 

 GLEN: I think about externally having a comfy bed for rest. 

DEBORAH: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

GLEN: A favorite spoon that you eat your, you know, your healthy food.

DEBORAH: Absolutely. Those are all the "I have." And then we look at "I am." So these are your internal resources. Those are your beliefs, your attitudes, your feelings. And part of the "I am" is being self-aware , it's noticing what your strengths and your traits are that help you live the way that you want, and help you overcome challenges. The "I am" are those qualities and strengths that you have that allow you to take responsibility for action that enable you to take, take the action to make sure that everything's okay. The "I am" is also what allows you to forge those external relationships. I'm caring, I am friendly. Those also help you build the external.

So the internal and the external have an interrelationship and a dynamic that are helpful. And then the, and then the last one that, so we have "I have," what are the external? Then "I am," which is your internal resources. And last we have, "I can." So these are the factors that incorporate your, both your external, your social , and other external and interpersonal skills.

So these are skills that you can learn. You've probably learned by interacting with others as a child or people have taught you. So it's, "I can" means how, what is your capacity to act to get what you need to help you through times of adversity? So "I can": calling others to help me when I feel scared. I can name what I'm feeling. And I can problem solve on my own. I can find help when needed. I am resourceful and I can find various resources to put into play that helped me get through the challenges, and I have self-control, that's another thing is that I'm able to regulate those feelings when I'm feeling tense. When I'm feeling nervous, when I'm feeling anxious, I can manage those feelings. So it's the, I have, I am, and then I can. What do I do with all of that? And that's really, those are the kind of three legged stool of building more resilience in your life. 

GLEN: That's fantastic. And again, I see that this is both talk to yourself and take inventory of these things, or even journal this inventory, and continuing to nurture these three at all times, you know, that's part of your days.

DEBORAH: Yeah. And I know that Glen, you do a lot of this kind of self-reflection and inventory taking. What's one thing, even the smallest thing that works for you?

 GLEN: Well, I think one of the things that I really like is when I get up in the morning, actually, before I get out of bed, it's when I am awake, when I'm conscious, before I get out of the bed, it gives me a few minutes more in bed which is the benefit of it too, as well. Where I take an inventory and I, you know, ask, you know , how am I feeling? What's my body feel like? A quick body scan of my body. And noting where I have a pain or if I feel good or, and then I can connect that with, well, how am I doing emotionally? And then I have some affirmations of what I want, how I want to go about today.

And you've been beat being is just, you know, the top of it is just being , and then finally and that's, you know, that's how you're doing spiritually. So those, those are the pillars that help me with my check-in before I get out of bed in the morning. So when I put my feet on the floor, I've centered myself a bit.

DEBORAH: Yeah. And all of those could take into that "I have, I am, and I can." 

GLEN: Yeah, definitely. That's definitely what I was thinking of as you were going through this. So anything else you want to share? You're saying that that's such a good indirect suggestion is doing that first thing in the morning. You know, it sets the stage for building resilience. So that would be something to consider for everybody. 

DEBORAH: Yes, excellent. All right. Well, we are going to go in more depth on our next episode in our four-step process of building personal resilience. This was fantastic. And a great place for us to wrap up for today.

GLEN: Thank you, Deborah. And yes. And thank you everyone for listening. Now, we want to hear from you. How will you use what you just heard today? Please leave a comment below and while you're down there, feel free to comment on other people's comments. That's how we generate a community of helpful ideas and suggestions.

I also want to let everyone know to check out beyourownbestcoach.com, where you can find out more information about our five-week group coaching program. Listeners of Be Your Own Best Coach conversations can take 10% off enrollment costs using the keyword conversations. Thanks again for listening and stay well.


We also want to hear from you. How will you use what you just heard today? Please leave a comment below. And while you’re down there, feel free to comment on other people’s comments. That’s how we generate a community of helpful ideas and suggestions.