During the holiday season, everything--from written or verbal greetings, banners hanging from street lights, billboards, holiday cards, to email signature blocks and even notes on paychecks or invoices--wishes you the exact same things:
Peace
Love
Happiness
Gratitude
That all sounds great, except for one thing.
Stress.
We don’t mean the stress that comes from things like sitting in heavy traffic, waiting in long lines at the store, or trying to get your kids out the door quickly when you first have to get them into winter sweaters, coats, boots, mittens, and hats.
The stress we’re talking about is when your mouth says, “yes” but your gut is screaming “NO!”
When you feel overwhelmed by the demands of others on your time, attention, energy, money, and more, it can be a heavy lift to generate those warm, fuzzy feelings of peace, love, happiness, and gratitude.
The people who make the demands--whether it’s sweet requests or strongly worded demands--don’t usually mean harm. They’re not trying to drive you crazy or stress you out. They're merely doing what all of us do: try to get our needs met, even if it means pushing the limits for other people.
Do any of these sound familiar?
“Can you just make one extra dessert? It doesn’t have to be super fancy. Just make those special cookies of yours that everyone loves.”
“I know picking up your cousin isn’t on the direct route here. But it’s just a little out of your way. I’m sure it won’t take that much time.”
“Uncle Chester is coming and I want him to feel welcome, so please don’t say anything about his table manners, even if he does double dip chips into the guacamole or use his fingers to serve himself.”
“I know you’re expecting us early to help set everything up, but we really want to take a bike ride because the weather is going to be great. So, we hope you don’t mind if we come later, like when everyone else arrives to eat.”
“We don’t see why you’re being so uptight about masking and vaccination. We don’t believe in vaccinations because we’re young and healthy. Besides, we test every week.”
The problem for the person on the receiving end of conversations like these is that it can seem impossible to say “no.” After all, where’s your holiday spirit of love and generosity?
It’s particularly hard when the people pushing the limits are the people we love to--and are expected to--give, give, and give.
This is where healthy boundaries come into play.
You know the saying, “Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others?”
Nowhere is that more important than during the holidays.
How generous, loving, and happy can you be if you aren’t taking care of yourself first?
When it comes to taking care of yourself, especially during the holidays, that means being able to say “no.”
“No” not only helps protect you from becoming stressed out and overwhelmed by expectations from others. It also preserves and improves relationships.
That may surprise you.
Aren’t good relationships about giving and being generous and loving? How can saying “no” be good for relationships?
Before we answer that, we invite you to think of relationships that you’re in right now where the boundaries might not be as clear as they could (or should) be. Does anyone in your life:
Do things that rub you the wrong way?
Say things or use language you find offensive?
Expect things from you that you give in to but would rather not (remember how the mouth says “yes” and gut screams “no”)?
Think about the cousin who lets their kids jump on the furniture. The uncle who belches and farts up a storm at the table. The sibling who treats your mom harshly or discounts her opinions. The parent who still thinks you’re their little kid who needs their advice and guidance.
See what we mean?
We enter into the holidays looking forward to connecting with others, but it’s also common to feel uncertain, uptight, resentful, irritated, worried, or stressed about the effect others’ behavior may have on your ability to fully enjoy the holidays.
That’s where boundaries come in.
Boundaries define what you will and won’t accept in relationships with others. They help set the behavioral standard that makes it comfortable to share time together.
Boundaries also strengthen relationships because they help people:
Define their roles in relationships
Provide the parameters for what is expected
Communicate their needs
Demonstrate respect for each other
Offer clarity
Help people feel safe
The challenge is that setting boundaries is hard to do, especially at holiday time.
So where do you begin?
We have two suggestions.
Recognize that learning new skills takes practice and you will make mistakes. So, be gentle with yourself. Start with the smallest doable steps first.
This can mean asking people not to throw their coats on the sofa but hang them up in the closet. Or, asking your partner to turn down the music.
In the case of Uncle Chester, it can take the form of telling your mom that you won’t abide by his table manners, but that you will help serve him (graciously) so he doesn’t have to double dip or use his fingers.Second, identify and amplify past successes you’re already had.
Unfortunately, when challenges threaten to trip us up, we often forget what we are capable of. We get so saturated with all the details of the problem that we overlook situations where we have been successful.
Think about the many different ways you already do a great job setting boundaries. Here are some examples:Ask people to fasten their seat belts in your car and refuse to drive until people are belted
Say “no” to muddy boots in the house and make your kids leave their boots at the door
Remind staff to come to meetings on time and start on time
Tell telemarketers to put you on their do-not-call list and block their phone numbers
Decline invitations when you’re simply too busy or not feeling well
Tell people that you’re on a diet so you want to go to a restaurant that serves good salads instead of loaded pizzas
These may be low stakes situations compared to the higher holiday stakes. But take a close look at all the things you already do that contributes to your ability to set boundaries. The same five principles hold:
Identify what you want based on your values and needs
Communicate your limits clearly and directly
Stick to your guns: Don’t apologize or yield
Offer alternatives to the unwanted behavior
Communicate and follow through on ultimatums
So this holiday season, do what we call “lather, rinse, repeat.” Once you notice what has worked for you in the past, explore ways to use the same strategies at this holiday time.
Experiment and try out new things. See what works, even just a little bit.
Then, savor and celebrate your success!
Happy holidays!