If there’s anything that’s true about the holidays, it’s that they are stressful. . . super stressful. Just ask my Facebook bookclub!
The stress started creeping in a few weeks ago as specialized Halloween stores began popping up in everyone’s towns. Once all the kids had their costumes and parents had stocked up on trick-or-treat goodies to hand out, displays changed. Without even a slight pause, they went from Halloween right into Thanksgiving. And now, with about 3 weeks yet to go to Thanksgiving, we’re already seeing businesses gear up for Christmas.
It Feels Like an Avalanche
Myra, a good friend in the group, said the whole drive from Halloween to Christmas feels like standing near the bottom of a mountain slope as an avalanche comes tearing down the hill heading right your way.
Imagine it . . .
You see a mass of snow break away near the top of the slope. As the snow thunders down the mountain, it picks up speed and even more snow. It’s so powerful that it sweeps up everything it its path--trees, plants, and even people. And when it finally comes to a stop, the snow is piled high and the debris it swept up is crushed and buried.
Myra’s analogy seemed like an overstatement, but from the conversation it triggered, it may not have been.
Everyone had their own holiday-horror story from years past. Actually, most people had a lot more than just one.
Name any holiday stressor and our group had it.
It came down to a huge variety of challenges and disagreements over things like:
Kids’ behavior (seen but not heard, or let them run rampant marveling at their limitless energy?)
Budgeting for gifts (economize this year or enjoy life even if it means maxing out your credit card)
Personal eating habits (Do we really have to sit through another year of Uncle Elmer’s farting and belching at the table?)
Dietary fads (Why, of all times, did Cousin Susie decide to become a raw vegan and how many weeks will this diet last?)
Decisions about schools, faith, and when to equip kids with cell phones (So many controversies and all so contentious!)
Drinking and drugging (Marijuana may be legal in your state, but does that mean it’s OK for your teen to bring it to share with all their cousins when you come into our state? And what do we do about some of the family and friends who think one-too-many drinks are just fine on holidays because it’s not as if they have to go to work the next day?)
Appropriate dress (Strapless, cutouts, and see-through dresses may show up on fashion runways, but not for your 12-year-old daughter going to visit grandma and grandpa.)
You can see how a list like this can go on and on . . . and on.
How many stressors did it make you think about?
This year the conversation in our group was different because not a single person seemed immune from a huge amount of stress: some in anticipation of holiday horrors and some based simply on starting to get ready for the holiday season.
With the current climate in the country, most people seemed to be gritting their teeth thinking about all the issues that could come up. Issues that could drive families and friends apart for longer than just a tension-filled holiday meal.
From masking and vaccinations, defunding police, housing the homeless, climate change, taxing the fat cats, to overhauling the government, it all seemed difficult, to say the least.
As people talked about all the issues and demands that were coming their way, Myra’s avalanche analogy didn’t seem so overstated. In fact, it seemed pretty spot-on.
The problem is, dealing with these issues is hard.
Even if only one issue comes up, it’s easy to feel any number of emotions: anxiety, anger, fear, frustration, disgust, disappointment, overwhelm, guilt, shame, doubt, irritability, tension, sadness, annoyance, hurt, betrayal, resentment, and pain.
So what to do?
Unfortunately, as we said, dealing with these issues is hard. And very few of us have healthy, effective ways to deal with them. So, we end up doing things that don’t work very well and certainly don’t work to solve the problem.
We fall into our most primal defenses: fight, flight, freeze, please and appease, collapse and shut down, or cry for help.
We get into arguments and end up insulting someone, feeling guilty afterwards and writing an apology the next day (fight).
We come super late, stay a short time, and leave early (flight).
We isolate and barely interact at all (freeze).
We go along with what we think people want, plaster on a smile, and grin and bear it (please and appease).
We numb ourselves with overeating, excessive drinking, drug use, binge watching and social media (collapse and shut down).
We revert to our childhood roles and behaviors, and expect people around us to take care of us and make everything better (cry for help).
Does any of this sound familiar?
It should because we all do this--at least to some extent--when we get stressed, overwhelmed, and don’t have the skills to change it.
What Boundaries Are and Why They Count
The one skill that is at the core for dealing with all these challenges is setting boundaries.
That may surprise you, but setting boundaries is what helps you feel safe, cared about, and respected.
Boundaries provide structure for relationships.
Boundaries set out what’s OK and within each person’s comfort zone, what’s challenging, and what goes beyond what’s OK with each person. Boundaries help everyone know what to expect in relationships and what their roles are.
Setting boundaries enables people to lay out what they will and won’t do in any situation; and what’s acceptable to them in terms of behavior--their own and the behavior of others.
When you know what to do to set boundaries and how to do it, life gets a lot more pleasant. You feel a sense of peace, calm, free.
You are secure in the roles you and others play in relationships. You communicate your values and needs clearly, without apology. You set boundaries with dignity and not feel guilty or weird. You feel confident that you can handle difficult situations that leave everyone feeling respected.
You can say “no” and not feel the need to back off or explain. You also are comfortable hearing “no” and not taking it personally.
Relationships flourish and deepen. You can sleep at night.
What’s not to love?
Why Setting Boundaries Is Hard
Setting boundaries is easier said than done, at least at first. It takes skill.
Setting boundaries means:
Identifying your values and needs
Communicating them to others in a way that is clear, direct, and respectful
Making sure your boundaries are honored
Taking action when someone goes over the line and violates your boundaries
We’ll be taking a deep dive into these exact skills in our upcoming workshop. The workshop is practical and experiential, so you’ll walk away with tons of practice under your belt, and your own Holiday Survival toolkit with a map you create during the workshop that will keep you from crashing into the many boundary barriers that can block you from enjoying your holidays.
In the meantime, please share: What have you tried in the past that’s helped you, even just a little, to set your own boundaries?
Share with us below and let us know your story. We can offer some feedback.