How Do You Cook a Ham?
Do you know the ends-of-the-ham story? You can find many variations, but the original is credited to Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker and salesman par excellence.
Here's how it goes:
Ziglar had won a prized country ham in a sales contest. After he got home and handed the ham to his wife Jean, she took it into the kitchen, got out a pan to bake it, and then immediately cut the end off the ham before putting it in a pan.
Zig asked, "Why did you cut the end off my prized ham?"
"Well, that’s how you bake it," Jean responded. "That’s how my mama cooked ham back in the day and it was the best in the world."
"Why did your mama do it that way?"
Jean had no idea, so they called her mother who told them, "Well, my mama always did it that way."
So off they went to call Granny.
"Granny," Jean asked, "Everyone loves your ham, and we make it just like you used to. But why did you cut the end off? Mom says she cuts the end off because you always did. I do it now because she did it, but nobody really knows the reason for doing it. So why did you do it?"
"Well," Granny responded, "I don’t know why you two do it, but my pan was always too short!"
Now you may not be concerned about how to make the best ham in the world, but the lesson of this story applies to everyone, including people who struggle with procrastination.
We'll come back to this lesson in just a bit, but first, do you know the kind of sayings everyone learned as a kid (and that you may even be using with your own kids) such as, "No dessert until after you finish your dinner," "No TV/videogaming/screen time until you do your homework," or "You have to clean your room before you have friends over?"
Parents, teachers, and other authority figures taught us those rules to help us become responsible, capable, independent adults and maintain social norms.
Part of growing up means internalizing the rules from external sources. At the same time, we also create our own rules--both consciously but also unconsciously--based on our unique experiences and observations.
Some rules retain their value and workability over time, such as using the bathroom before you head out for errands, exercise, or travel (a good one learned from childhood!) or making sure your phone is turned off.
But other rules are more like the ends-of-the-ham story. They are sacred cows--beliefs, assumptions, practices, or policies--that originally served a valid purpose but now are no longer useful, workable, or relevant. Emphasize: These were good at one time.
Sacred cultural cows that have fallen by the wayside over the last several decades include dressing up to go to dinner parties,, and using the "good" dishes and silverware for holiday meals. In the work world, it's wearing a jacket and tie to work for men and stockings for women.
So what do sacred cows have to do with procrastination?
A lot!
Some tasks we procrastinate on are more than just boring, annoying, tedious, or not very fun. They can be tasks associated with sacred cows--the rules we've internalized in our lives. The problem of sacred cows is that we adhere to them without question, so they become part of the baggage we carry along in our lives that hold us back or keep us stuck.
Not only that, they can lead to what we call "secondary" procrastination.
This isn't a term that has found its way into the research literature yet, but it's what we mean when we talk about putting off doing one task or activity because we haven't finished something else we believe we must do first. Sacred procrastination cows are reflected in the belief "I have to do x before I can do y."
This became crystal clear to one of our students who shared a big revelation she'd had after working with us to increase her psychological flexibility. Her "aha" moment came from realizing that certain internalized sacred-cow rules were getting in the way of full, meaningful living.
She recognized that she often misses out on playing games and reading with her kids because she has a lot of housework to do.
But housework doesn't tell the full story. The truth is, housework isn't her cup of tea, so she procrastinates. She puts off the housework with other tasks, tasks that aren't as urgent or important but give her the sense of being productive. Or she really drags her feet as she does bits and pieces of the housework.
The problematic outcome is actually two-fold:
1) she still doesn't get all the housework done (primary procrastination)
2) she puts off spending time with her kids (secondary procrastination)
Remember that the definition of procrastination is unnecessarily and voluntarily delaying or postponing taking action despite knowing that there will be negative consequences for doing so.
As she examined her particular housework-procrastination pattern in more detail, she realized that one big factor that was keeping her locked into it was the voice in her head of her mother repeating the rules, "no play until the house is clean" and "housework first and then fun."
As she sat with the situation a little longer, she realized that what was most important to her was spending time with her kid. But she was sacrificing that in the interest of fulfilling the "should's" and "oughta's" she'd grown up with.
It's not that she doesn't like or want a neat and tidy house, but in the context of limited time, it was crystal clear that the "housework-first" rule had become a sacred cow that had outlived its value. Her first priority was spending time with her kids, not a cleaner house. So she realigned her priorities to put her kids first above housework.
But did she ever manage to stop procrastinating on the housework and actually get it done? And if so, how did she do it?
By freeing herself from her mother's voice, she was free to choose action that served her deepest values, which is being a good mom and spending time with her kids.
The paradox is that once she made a meaningful deposit in the parenting bank by playing with her kids, she had enough emotional capital to knock out the housework tasks in a lot less time than she imagined possible. She also freed herself from worrying about tiny specks of dust here or there that she may have missed!
Another example of secondary procrastination is adhering slavishly to external rules set not by your mom or someone else from childhood but by someone with whom you actually agree. Note that I said "slavishly." That's because following rules slavishly reflects the rigid thinking of "should's" that can crash head-on into the realities of life that open the door for procrastination.
You're probably familiar with the expert recommendation for avoiding procrastination by tackling hard projects first thing in the morning when you are at your most alert and have the most energy.
That makes perfect sense . . . unless you've exhausted yourself the day before, not gotten enough sleep, and wake up feeling worn out. But you find yourself fused to the rule: "Start with the hard stuff first. No easy stuff until you do the hard stuff."
The hard task is too hard, but you're enmeshed in the sacred cow of "hard first," so what do you do? You procrastinate!
Instead of violating the rule and simply moving onto easy stuff for which you have adequate attention and energy, you get stuck struggling to do the hard stuff first. But you can't, so you diddle around, do your procrastination dance, and end up pushing off the hard stuff. And because you don't do easy stuff before hard stuff, the easy stuff gets pushed off, too.
Your allegiance to the "hard things first" rule produces primary procrastination because you're too tired to tackle it. Then, secondary procrastination is a consequence because you don't allow yourself to do the easy tasks.
So what's the antidote?
First, be curious. What belief or rule is driving the need to do the task in the first place?
Second, be discerning. Ask yourself how important it is to finish the task and how valuable the outcome is.
Third, make a choice. Decide what action you want to take in the interest of serving freely-chosen values that are important to you.
Read the other articles in the Be Your Own Best Coach series on getting things done without procrastination:
Get Things Done Without Procrastinating Course
Get Things Done Without Procrastinating gives you everything you need to take a big step toward crushing procrastination. Instead of being filled with stress, anxiousness, or nauseating dread, you can face each stressor, regardless of the kind, with a sense of possibility and optimism.