Acclaimed American novelist and activist, James Baldwin once said, "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed unless it is faced."
This couldn't apply more perfectly than to the procrastination we engage in when faced with threat stressors.
What are threat stressors?
Compared to challenge stressors in which you have a lot to do in too little time or hindrance stressors in which you don't have the tools or clear direction you need to do the job, threat stressors are about future personal harm or loss.
Threat stressors are situations or relationships that jeopardize your psychological need for belonging and connection, trust in others, and self-worth. When those needs come into question, anxiety--which could be so severe as to be paralyzing--may be right around the corner.
Threat stressors come in many forms, and most include an interpersonal factor. Threat stressors include:
Bullying and harassment
Abusive supervision
Lack of influence
Having to hide your true thoughts and feelings
Job insecurity
Threat stressors are easy to see at work:
Your boss yells at you for small mistakes, oversights, or even for mistakes someone else makes.
You have far more training and experience than other members on your team and you've been hired for a senior position, but your boss tells you to tone it down so people don't feel intimidated by you.
Gossip and back-biting are the social norm.
Threat stressors aren't limited to the workplace, however. They can just as easily develop at home. (In fact, probably a lot of the reasons behind bad behaviors and our avoidance of conflict come from lessons learned in childhood from our families):
Your adult child moved back in with you during Covid and abdicates all responsibility for doing anything around the house because they are too stressed from work. They bully you into picking up after them, cooking and cleaning for them, and tiptoeing around sensitive issues. You put off any confrontation in hopes that they will move out soon.
Something your partner does was easy to overlook when you were dating, but after years, the behavior is getting on your nerves. You are afraid to bring up the issue because you don't want to appear unsupportive or judgmental.
How big a problem are threat stressors compared to all the other stressors we face?
In a large study carried out just a few years ago, researchers found that people rated interpersonal tension and conflict with their boss and colleagues and lack of social support from either of them as more problematic than being overworked and overwhelming (challenge stressors) or struggling with material or technological constraints (hindrance stressors).
In fact, people categorized interpersonal conflict as more than only a threat stressor. They also saw threat stressors as challenges and hindrances, too.
It's easy to see why: Setting boundaries, initiating difficult conversations, and managing conflict aren't part of most people's educations or upbringing. So, when you experience poor treatment by others or get into head-butting conflict, it's easy to see how procrastination can be the behavior of choice.
This particular kind of procrastination is part of conflict avoidance: We avoid confrontation and default to putting up with abuse, bullying, and hiding our true selves out of a deep-rooted fear of upsetting others. We've been raised in environments that were dismissive or hypercritical. We learned by example or direct instruction that addressing conflict was unwanted and unappreciated; and could land you in hot water.
Even if you're good at confronting conflict or calling people on their bad behavior, it's never totally comfortable or easy.
We put if off. We procrastinate.
And often, we don't only delay--we end up not doing anything at all.
There's a big cost, however: We suffer mentally with anxiety and worry, and physically with a variety of aches, pains, and sickness.
But the threat stressor is still there, and the problem doesn't go away.
Some of us may also stuff down anger. But, we hold back for so long that instead of initiating a conversation at a time and in a way that could have been productive, we blow up with such rage that we damage the possibility or hope of resolution.
The good news is that threat stressors don't have to get the best of you. And procrastination isn't the only option.
Remember the Baldwin quote, "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed unless it is faced."
When it comes to an abusive boss, nasty coworkers, or a toxic environment of personal sniping and gossip, you may not be able to change everything, but unless you address the behaviors, nothing at all will change.
So how do you make addressing difficult situations more manageable so your default isn't procrastination?
The Big Misunderstanding That Makes Procrastination Related to Threat Stressors Hard to Overcome
The kind of procrastination that's related to threat stressors may be the most difficult to overcome.
That's because unlike other stressors, threat stressors are almost entirely a function of interpersonal relationships: Your sense of belonging, connection, and value is at risk.
The work of changing that includes things like setting boundaries, saying what you feel, calling out someone on bad behavior, and asking what you deserve at work in terms of pay and recognition.
But those actions certainly aren't something most of us easily embrace.
Addressing interpersonal conflicts is difficult no matter who you are, how skilled you are, or how many times you've done it before.
What hasn't put off a difficult conversation?
Who hasn't let abusive behavior by a boss or coworker slide?
Who hasn't accommodated the behavior of others at home just to "make peace?"
The truth is, conflict is part of life . . . and it's stressful for everyone.
Some of us get aggressive and fight, some flee completely, while others get more anxious, collapse, submit, or give in.
Whether it's fight, flight, or flee, those responses are all part of procrastinating: avoiding, delaying, or putting off addressing the conflict. You fall into the trap of an automatic in-the-moment response instead of actively choosing what to do.
One big problem that stops us in our tracks before we even get started is that we have the mistaken belief that addressing conflict shouldn't be awkward. Confronting bad behavior shouldn't feel uncomfortable. We think that if we're good at it, we can "just do it" and it should feel okay, not awkward or uncomfortable.
The big "aha" that can open the door for the skill-building that you need to tackle threat stressors is to realize that confronting conflict is inherently uncomfortable. We feel awkward. We feel clumsy. We're uneasy and uncertain.
So, we avoid it, put it off, and run the other way.
But everything has a cost.
In terms of procrastination, it's the ongoing stress and strain that you feel inside yourself. And, it's the continuing ugly saga of what happens within relationships.
By developing skills to reduce threat stressors by learning to manage conflict, you may have to pay the cost of feeling uncomfortable and awkward, but the reward is well worth it. The reward far exceeds the cost of discomfort because it not only reduces the threat stressor but can open the door to deep, more authentic, and meaningful relationships.
Why Starter Steps Are Crucial for Crushing Procrastination Related to Threat Stressors
A significant interpersonal problem that keeps you up at night may be a top priority for you to tackle because it would make such a big difference to you.
But that's not the place to start. In fact, it may be about the worst.
As we've said, tackling the procrastination associated with threat stressors means developing the skills to overcome your avoidance (ie, procrastination) by learning to manage conflict.
Think about any skill how you learn it:
Walking: Baby takes its first step, which is only one step from the couch to a parent's arms. YEA! Success.
Riding a bike: You pedal once or twice before you wobble to one side and someone catches you or you put your feet on the ground. YEA! Success.
Learning to cook: You make your first pot of pasta. YEA! Success.
Talking a foreign language: You say, "Hi! My name is . . . What's yours?" Bravo! Success.
Using a new app: You login and carry out the first operation. YEA! Success.
Playing the guitar: You learn how to hold it and strum one chord. YEA! Success.
All of these are tiny steps that start you down the path to gain competence.
No one starts walking by running up a flight of stairs, riding by competing in the Tour de France, cooking by catering a meal, talking a foreign language by participating in a debate, using a new app by taking on a big job that requires it, or playing guitar by appearing on stage in front of an audience.
When it comes to learning the skills to respond to threat stressors instead of procrastinating and avoiding them, the same learning principle applies:
Start small so you experience and build on success instead of biting off too much to chew, failing, and risking the danger of getting discouraged.
Another danger beyond just discouragement is that failure could reinforce an underlying belief that many people have about bullying bosses, sniping coworkers, nasty neighbors, and invasive family members.
That belief is that change is impossible and things will never get better no matter what you do.
Success breeds success, so when you start small, you prove to yourself that you are capable, even when what you have to do feels uncomfortable.
Practice, Rehearse, Experiment
The key to building the skills you need so you can take effective action in the face of threat stressors is to:
Practice
Choose one discrete skill to practice. This means doing the skill over and over again, observing how you do and adjusting your actions to improve the outcomes.
Observe by noting your thoughts and feelings, sensations in your body as you do the action, and then assessing the results: Did what you do work? Or, do you need to adjust or change something?Rehearse
Rehearse by performing your new skill in a controlled environment. For interpersonal skills, this could mean role-playing with someone you trust.
As with practice, you observe yourself, see what works and what needs more practice, adjustment, or change.
When you rehearse, reverse roles so you not only play your own part, but you gain the perspective of the person who represents your threat stressor.Experiment
Experimenting means changing things up: Use another scenario, use different words, body position or movement, and prosody (intonation, stress, tone, and rhythm).
Observe yourself in different scenarios and settings so you gain flexibility and competence.
Start Here: Say “No!”
One of the hardest words to say in any language is also one of the shortest: “No!”
We don’t mean that “no” is hard to pronounce. We mean it’s hard to draw a line in the sand that “no” represents.
When you think of what is at the heart of a lot of procrastination (and certainly procrastination related to threat stressors) is that people haven’t said a convincing, “No!”
Saying “no” is a critical skill because it's the foundation of so many other skills you need to set boundaries, say what you feel, call out someone on bad behavior, and get what you deserve.
So, start your skill-building by saying “no.”
That’s it!
But we don’t mean “just” say “no.”
We mean practice, rehearse, and experiment with saying “no” so you embody a sense of ownership of your “no,” so your “no” becomes a well-considered expression of what you’re willing and not willing to do . . . a “no” that establishes limits and boundaries that are important to you.
Can you say “n o”:
Emphatically but with kindness?
Firmly without anger or annoyance?
Clearly and directly with no tone that suggests you’re asking permission or seeking approval?
Some people may think this is a simple, insignificant exercise, but once they try it, they see how challenging–and powerful–it can be.
Remember that by starting small, you build on one success after another.
Here’s how to practice, rehearse, and experiment with upskilling your “no.”
(Note that you’ll be using elements of our Be Your Own Best Coach Behavior Design Model to shape your work.)
Practice
YOU: Picture yourself and what you stand for, what’s important to you. Notice the thoughts that pop into your mind and the sensations in your body as you practice your “no.”
PEOPLE: Think of the people who encourage you to be who you are and support you as you stand up for yourself. Call to mind people you know who model healthy boundary-setting.
THINGS: Consider the gear and/or equipment that can help you practice, such as a recorder or video camera so you can see yourself as strong and assertive.
ENVIRONMENT: Create a setting that motivates and reinforces your desire and ability to practice your “no.”
Rehearse
YOU: Use the elements of repetition and feedback from deliberate practice to hone your skills.
PEOPLE: Use a friend, family member, or trusted coworker to listen to you, give you feedback, and roleplay with you.
THINGS: Make ample use of devices that let you assess your practice. Then, consider what rewards or incentives can you use to recognize small incremental wins.
ENVIRONMENT: Imagine as many environmental factors that are present when you experience one of your small real-life threat stressor. What adjustments, even the most minor, such as moving a chair a few inches, might give you a sense of being in charge and having even the tiniest bit more control?
Experiment in Real-Time, Real-World
YOU: Make a list of threat situations that you want to manage more effectively instead of procrastinating. Starting with the easiest situation, imagine saying “no” to a simple request. Role play different scenarios with a partner. Try out different ways of saying “no” and using your body language to communicate confidence.
PEOPLE: Keep using trusted people around you to practice with and give you feedback as you try new things. Be alert to listen for how others around you successfully manage difficult interpersonal interactions.
THINGS: Make experimentation a game: Set challenges for yourself by increasing the emotional charge of the scenarios you use your “no” in.
ENVIRONMENT: Consider what elements in your physical surroundings can inspire and reinforce your efforts. Is it better to sit at the edge of the chair? Your hands in your lap? Hands on the arms of a chair or on the table? Are you more comfortable facing the other person full on or do you feel better addressing them at a slight angle?
After you practice, rehearse, and experiment with your “no,” you’re ready to test it out in the world around you.
We emphasize that tiny successes lead to big wins, so practice in low-stakes situations first, such as at home with family or with a trusted coworker. Let them know that you’re in training to knock procrastination out of your life, including the procrastination-response you have to threat stressors.
Give them a heads up that you’re going to be practicing standing your ground by saying “no” to requests they make that you otherwise would either agree to or give in to. Here are some examples:
Your partner asks you to get the mail out of the mailbox: “No, honey. That’s not something I’m willing to do right now.”
Your coworker asks you to take a short break and go for a walk with them: “That sounds fun, but right now, my answer is ‘no.’”
The server at the restaurant asks if you want ice in your water: “No, thanks.”
Your teenager comes into the family room where you’re sitting in the easy chair. They ask you to move so they can sit there while they play their video game: “No. You can sit somewhere else.”
As we’ve said, dealing with or confronting bullying bosses, nasty coworkers, and difficult family members can be uncomfortable no matter what. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done . . . and done in a way that produces the results you want.
CLICK HERE to take your first step to crushing procrastination by creating a Personalized Procrastination Profile.
Read the other articles in the Be Your Own Best Coach series on getting things done without procrastination:
Get Things Done Without Procrastinating Workshop
Get Things Done Without Procrastinating gives you everything you need to take a big step toward crushing procrastination. Instead of being filled with stress, anxiousness, or nauseating dread, you can face each stressor, regardless of the kind, with a sense of possibility and optimism.